


Metanoia

by Valhalla



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Gen, Pure speculation otherwise, Spoilers for TFA, post-TFA, references to canon character death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-05
Updated: 2016-01-05
Packaged: 2018-05-11 21:15:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,325
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5642230
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Valhalla/pseuds/Valhalla
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He had abandoned them all, like a coward. Like a traitor. He'd fled in the aftermath of the massacre at his fledgling academy and disappeared without even a whisper of explanation. His hands stained red with the blood of so many and he'd left them to clean up the mess, to fight the rising surge of Snoke and the First Order without the help of the only Jedi left. </p><p>But how could he even begin to explain? Where could he find the words, other than I'm so, so sorry? </p><p>Because he hadn't just failed one Solo child -- </p><p>-- he'd failed two.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Metanoia

**Author's Note:**

> Metanoia, def.: a transformative change of heart.
> 
> Origin: Greek, from metanoiein, to change one's mind, repent.

This, Luke thinks, is exactly what he deserves.

Self-imposed exile to the farthest-flung corners of the galaxy, all of his tethers to the rest of the universe -- to his _life_ \-- dissolved with a painful finality. The planet is beautiful, certainly, but lonely; _he_ is lonely. He finds some kind of peace in the solitude, or at the very least a gratifying space for his guilt, but it's all too often that his thoughts stray back to Leia and the rest of the Resistance he left behind, to Chewie and the droids, to Han --

_(He'd felt his death, as surely as a star being extinguished from the sky. Han's presence in the Force had always blazed brightly, much to his likely chargin, and Luke had known from the sickening heaviness in the pit of his stomach the second it had been snuffed out.)_

He had abandoned them all, like a coward. Like a traitor. He'd fled in the aftermath of the massacre at his fledgling academy and disappeared without even a whisper of explanation. His hands stained red with the blood of so many and he'd left them to clean up the mess, to fight the rising surge of Snoke and the First Order without the help of the only Jedi left.

But how could he even begin to explain? Where could he find the words, other than _I'm so, so sorry_?

Because he hadn't just failed one Solo child --

\-- he'd failed two.

* * *

She holds out his lightsaber, a totem of his old life.

A symbol of all the things he abandoned and he hates it, as much as it makes his fingers unconsciously twitch, missing its weight in his grasp.

And Rey -- he knows who she is the second she steps on the grassy hillside that's become his home. Her Force signature burns with the same intensity as her parents; part unyielding strength and part reckless spirit. Her eyes ( _her father's eyes_ ) are alight with so much hope, like he's the answer they've been seeking all along.

Luke wants to weep at the sight of her.

But he goes with her, back to Leia and the Resistance. He can't run any longer, especially with the proof of his failures ( _Rey chances a smile, and it trembles_ ) right in front of him.

* * *

_He clouds her mind, her memories. He leaves her with the faintest impressions of a loving family, vague ghosts that will linger in the deepest shadows, and a promise that he will come back to find her._

_The planet, Jakku, is another desert hellhole like Tatooine, but he has limited time and limited resources if he wants to keep her safely hidden. Ben -- whatever he's become -- would hunt her down if he knew she survived the academy attack; any connection back to him or the Resistance could mean her life. So he lies to everyone, masks her presence in the Force, and pays the trader on Jakku enough to make sure she stays alive._

_Luke abandons his niece to biting winds and a barren stretch of sand, and the irony is too painful to bear._

* * *

That same ache reappears and takes root in his chest when they arrive at the Resistance's new base, the cold, queasy feeling sinking down to his bones. A hero's welcome, the crowd cheering and shouting his name, Rey smiling at his side. Leia greets him with a warm embrace and questions in her eyes, her loneliness and relief and desperate hope filtering through their connection in the Force. He's surrounded by it, enveloped in it, just how much she believes he'll change things.

 _Oh sister_ , he thinks, despondent, _you have no idea_.

* * *

_There is a little boy, and his curiousity shines as brightly as a beacon, hungry for the world around him, to understand his place in it._

_He's whip-smart. Determined. Driven. But impatient. Too overwhelmed by his feelings. Too enamoured of his own abilities. Too eager for more._

_There is a little boy, who never really grows up but only grows darker._

* * *

Luke expects Leia's rage.

She does him one better and clocks him so hard he sees stars.

"You _bastard_ ," she seethes, her eyes dark and liquid, as he nurses his left cheek. "You let me believe I'd lost two children -- _both_ my children. You pretended my daughter died, and for what?" The crescendo and pitch of her voice grows, her anger -- vibrating through the Force -- rising in time. "To preserve your ego? Act like you playing at Jedi Master hadn't been a complete and total failure? How could you? I --"

Leia's words collapse then into shuddering tears, hand clutched to her chest like her heart can't bear any more hurt. The weight of it, of this final betrayal, seems to break her.

His hand drops to his side, useless.

It doesn't matter that he had to protect Rey, that he had to hide her completely in case Ben managed to extract information from some unwilling victim. That he kept telling himself he'd go back for her when the time was right, when Ben returned to them or Kylo Ren was gone and it was safe. That eventually his disappearance was less about keeping Rey's secret and more about not being able to bear Han and Leia's grief.

It doesn't matter; there's no comfort he can give.

* * *

Rey is outside Leia's quarters, shell-shocked, when he leaves. She couldn't have heard much but must have felt it all, even with her memories still shielded.

"Is --" Her voice quavers. She looks equal parts hopeful and devastated. "Is it true?"

(And oh, he knows how it feels -- to finally find your family but also their terrible truths.)

Luke can't meets her eyes; instead, he reaches out through the Force, tries to extend a flood of love and apologies and regret.

_I'm so sorry, Rey ..._

She doesn't look at him, either.

She runs.

* * *

_She is brand new and squalling in her mother's arms, red-faced and wrinkled, a pinprick of awareness in the universe._

_She is barely one and learning how to toddle through their apartments, trailing behind her older brother, her joy luminous._

_She is three and in her father's lap at the Falcon's controls, wide-eyed and wondering, the ship humming with life._

_She is four --_

_\-- she is four and he is leaving her behind._

* * *

He watches them, from a distance.

They're on the tarmac outside the base. Leia is standing with her arms circled around Rey, protective. Luke's not surprised -- she always was a wonderful mother.

He keeps his presence muted but can feel Rey's emotions wash over him, powerful waves of confusion and longing and -- directed at Leia, who brushes the hair back from her eyes with a gentle hand -- comfort.

"It was a bad plan, kid."

_Han._

Luke turns to his brother-in-law, and even with everything that's happened, he can't help but be endlessly amused that Han -- _hokey religions_  and all -- is appearing to him through the Force. It's fitting, though, that a man whose life was woven together so tightly by its power would become a part of its fabric after death. 

"They're not gonna forgive you anytime soon. Hell, they shouldn't." Han shifts his gaze to his wife and daughter, and his features soften, grow sadder. "But I know you were only trying to protect her. So don't beat yourself up too much."

Luke swallows hard against the lump in his throat, still fighting for so many words he wants to say -- the _I'm sorrys_ and the _I didn't mean for this to happen_ and the _you lost your family because of me_.

"I know, buddy," Han says, simply. "I know."

It's the furthest thing from what he deserves -- this benediction, this grace -- but Luke is determined to make himself worthy of it, that one day he'll be able to prove to Leia and Rey -- to Ben -- that he's the man he used to be. 

He still doesn't have the words, but one day he will.


End file.
